I am learning how to be more clear with myself. This is harder than it sounds. Especially when you are currently extremely hypothyroid after having your thyroid removed. The brain fog is beyond anything I have experienced up to this point. I know my TSH number will go down to an acceptable level of functioning at some point with all the meds adjustments. Just have to be patient.
Anyway, back to clarity. After a session with a dear client, in which we were discussing her own need for internal and external clarity, I realized this is a very powerful tool to use. To consistently practice and come back to. Questions such as- What is my WHY right now? What do I need TODAY? In advocating for myself, whether with my multiple healthcare providers or my insurance company, what do I need to be very clear about and how do I communicate this efficiently and effectively? How can I express myself in a way that conveys my experience transparently?
As someone who has always used lots and lots of words and descriptions and has a challenging time getting to the point( because words and feelings are so fun, and sometimes little details matter, y’all!), practicing clarity can be quite difficult. Just ask my family -they are quite easily annoyed by my story-telling and attempts to communicate ( AND maybe they need to practice patience)…
It has most recently become clear to me that I can no longer pretend that I am “fine” just to make other people more comfortable. I have gained clarity that I detest the word fine – so many of us humans say it and it is meaningless at this point. And it can mean different things for different people. It has become clear to me that I am not available emotionally or physically or mentally to lie about or to sugarcoat what I am experiencing. It takes too much energy and right now I don’t have any to spare. And that its awkward for me to tell the truth. When someone says, “Well, you look good,” I might just say , “Well, I’m sick not ugly.” Or when people ask how I am feeling, I might just say “like shit” and then just carry on with the conversation. Because that is truly the reality and I am actually more accepting of it after almost 18 months of this new normal. Since the day to day symptoms of all the Fuckenings can be unpredictable and in flux, each day can present itself differently- so it also takes extra energy to fully allow myself to listen to what my body is saying and needing each day. This is not annoying AT ALL. Which means I just cannot waste energy pretending or worrying about how my communication regarding my lived experience might effect someone else. Wouldn’t it be kind of cool and freeing if we all allowed more of this authentic transparency to exist?
I felt so sad and disappointed that I had to cancel a fun morning with my Mahjong Ladies today – AND it was clear that my body and mind were saying NO NO NO. I am proud of myself for gaining clarity by really listening to myself instead of pushing through. Pushing through is sometimes necessary and empowering and awesome – other times, pushing through is a disservice and waste of limited energy that creates more harm than good. So here’s to being more intentional about practicing clarity multiple times a day. And here’s to having an ongoing permission slip to be more clear (truthful) with myself and others. No more bullshit.
So may we all extend ourselves the gifts of clarity. And the patience and grace to practice it as much as we need to. And the shedding of guilt that might arise when we are honest and it makes other people uncomfortable.