Sometimes there will be days where every single brave human who sits on my couch will be grappling with the same exact underlying issue. Today was one of those days- I call them theme days and marvel still at the universal commonalities that create internal suffering- and I choose to use them to check in with myself because those theme days typically resonate strongly with my own perfectly imperfect humanity.
Today’s theme was how we outsource our power and our inner knowing. We struggle with getting quiet inside and listening to how our body feels and tolerating distressful emotions. We jump into our heads ( and over-thinking, judging minds can be very scary places) to immediately escape into the familiar territory of intellectualizing and over-analyzing and creating fiction and stories about ourselves and others that typically do not serve us well yet trick us into believing we have some sense of control. When in reality, if we can learn or re-learn to come back to our own selves, to sit with the discomfort, to stay with ourselves, to practice curiosity, to use our breath to send calming messages to the places inside that feel tense or stuck or scared or enraged or bereft AND sometimes it may be ALL of these feelings at the same time- only then do we actually have the ability to connect with our own power, our own intuition, our own relationship with listening to ourselves-which ultimately leads to existing in this difficult and beautiful world in a way that increases peace and decreases suffering. And knowing we have the power to practice this and to be in a more trusting relationship with ourselves- that is choosing peace- even when our external world is full of strife and never-ending to-do lists, and ALL the life circumstances that will occur- How profoundly empowering! And making intentions to honor our own internal wisdom in whatever ways that make sense to us- that is one way we can heal from whatever it is internally that creates the turmoil, the panic, the shame, the distrust within.
I realized I was stuck in the story that I was telling myself about J’s appendectomy. That I failed him because I listened to his pediatrician these last 2 years- who really missed the mark on taking care of him and listening to him. I trusted this doctor. All the “SHOULDS” that have consumed me since it was confirmed that this was the source of his stomach pain all this time. I have apologized to J and he graciously accepted my apology for not taking him to a specialist or demanding certain tests ( I am not a medical doctor so I really did not know to do this). So today I chose to go inside myself and give my self permission to release my mom-guilt. To allow the false narrative that I am a bad mom to move through me and outside of me. To come back to my own inner knowing that I’m doing the best I can and that I can make mom-mistakes AND still be a damn good mom who loves her children ferociously. The sense of relief and freedom I experienced was immense and immediate.
So I am full of gratitude for the work that I do and the people who trust me with their stories. Who remind me that we are all in this together- this interesting and challenging and lovely and scary reality of being a human being.
So may we all allow ourselves to embody ourselves with curiosity and compassion. And may we all practice getting more comfortable with recognizing and listening to our intuition again and again and again.