And I can feel overwhelmed and enraged and thankful and fatigued and empowered as I practice surrendering to the fuckenings.

The CAT scan the Gynecologist ordered based on his YEARS of EXPERIENCE as a MEDICAL DOCTOR and his CONCERN for his human patient who he thoroughly EXAMINED and deemed it quite MEDICALLY NECESSARY to gather more information to make the next right DECISION to actually treat me and the medical ENIGMA-ness that is my BODY was DENIED by our insurance company. By some ridiculous person who does not consider my humanity or the knowledge of the doctor- HOW INSULTING . A CAT scan costs a LOT of money even with insurance. DUH.

And this is not my first rodeo with playing this game. Last year they initially denied an MRI ordered by my neurologist. How is that even a thing with someone who has MS-?! I asked if they would rather pay for me to be hospitalized again from the stress they were creating because that would be even more expensive for them and since they were mostly concerned with money, wouldn’t it serve them better financially just to listen to my doctor? And I’m not even a math or business type person, but even I have a tad of common sense.

The CAT scan that was already done yesterday that showed some further significant issues regarding my colon and small intestine that require a referral to a Gastroenterologist before we can even address the other stuff happening that the GYN can help with.

The CAT scan that was a comedy of errors because the Tech could not understand that I physically could not put my left arm in the position she wanted it in and then was pulling on that arm as I was screaming-NO, NO you can’t move it that way, OWWW, please STOP, I have shoulder impingement syndrome from MS( which I had already EXPLAINED) and you could dislocate it- while I was holding my right arm with the IV in it straight up. And she kept saying that if I kept my arm up in the only position it can go back in that it would hit the CAT scan machine. I kept saying – OK, it can hit the machine then but I cannot get it in any other position.

So that was a complete clusterfuck of ridiculousness and unnecessary pain.

So now we wait to get in with the gastroenterologist. And to probably have a million more tests to figure out WTF my body is doing NOW- now that my thyroid can no longer be attacked because its gone, I guess my body is attacking these other parts of me?! This too I can accept- what is more pain at this point? I’m getting used to it. What else can I do but warrior on and cry and laugh and scream from such a primal place inside and inhale and exhale.

And fight with the insurance company. I have already called the two people from the insurance company that tried to “help” me appeal their decision on denying further physical therapy appointments in 2018 and 2019. Their “help” was quite ineffective as all of my appeals were DENIED… I’m sure they will be thrilled to hear from me again.

So now I will pretend I am back on my acupuncturist’s table where for at least 20 minutes I have a cessation of pain and can feel all kinds of cool stuff happening and I will count down the days until my next massage. Ever so grateful to have these lovely experiences with these two different types of healing energy. Ever so pissed off and over it at the same time that I accept it all.

It’s a weird feeling to be both proactively fighting and surrendering at the same time- a good weird.

So as this next batch of Fuckerys continues, for all of us humans in all the different forms that it may present in our unique lives, may we give ourselves permission to show up for ourselves in the ways that create the good weird- the fighting and the accepting, the staying and the surrendering.